I have been supremely grumpy for a couple of days now. My husband didn’t notice until this morning (which makes me wonder — is he remarkably nonobservant or am I routinely grumpy?). I’m grumpy because of all the things I always get grumpy about in our marriage. I won’t get into them since they’re personal, but suffice it to say that it’s just run-of-the-mill stuff that drives me absolutely batty (no, it’s not about socks on the floor; there are as many of my socks on the floor as there are his, so we’ve never argued about that!).
Why do we continually fight the same battles? You’d think, after almost 14 years of bloodshed, they’d be resolved by now. But we keep meeting on the same battlefield with the same weapons, using the same war tactics. Pete wants me to tell him what’s wrong, but I have no new ways to say what’s wrong, so I feel like there’s no point in talking. But I know that if we don’t talk, things will just get bloodier. Fortunately it doesn’t seem as if our girls have noticed anything yet, but that’s probably because it’s the weekend and they’re involved in all their stuff — kids’ choir, youth drama team, church, friends, going to the playground. When the four of us are all together at breakfast tomorrow morning and dinner tomorrow night and there are no pressing engagements to get to, I don’t know how I’ll hide my sulkiness.
Which means I have to talk to Pete tonight. I have to say all the same things and he’ll say the same things and for a few happy moments it will feel as if it’s finally been resolved. But with every new battle, I’m having a harder time believing that it will stay resolved.
The best I can do is say my piece so that at least we’re not being silent, and then try to let the Lord work between us to make us stronger. I do choose Pete, just like I did back in 1992. Sometimes it’s hard to accept the fact that I still have to make a conscious effort to choose him even after years together. But I will choose him, and I know that it will honor our marriage and it will honor our God. And really, in the grand scheme of things, that’s enough.